


Boats and Hoes

by riacte



Series: Hermitcrack [3]
Category: Hermitcraft RPF, Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: (actually don't), Comedy, Crack, Fluff and Crack, Gen, LOUD BRITISH SWEARING, Swearing, copious amount of swearing but all done by the hermits, let grian swear, mild NSFW
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:33:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24073741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riacte/pseuds/riacte
Summary: Iskall reacts to Mumbo and Grian swearing, which is a lot more cursed than it should be. Or rather, Iskall discovers Grian and Mumbo's edgy teenage phases.(With transcripts of videos!)
Relationships: Charles | Grian & Viktor | Iskall85, Oliver Brotherhood & Charles | Grian & Viktor | Iskall85
Series: Hermitcrack [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1737631
Comments: 33
Kudos: 268





	Boats and Hoes

When Iskall first met Mumbo, he thought Mumbo was a nice, gentlemanly redstone guy. 

Iskall wasn’t wrong- it was just that Mumbo also happened to be a maddening little brat. Not to mention he was a silly spoon who could be surprisingly dense at times. To Iskall, Mumbo was like a whiny little teenager who always had to rely on Iskall. It was annoying, but endearing.

So Iskall _knew_ he shouldn’t be surprised when he realized Mumbo used to swear. Mumbo was genuinely like sixteen when he made some of his earliest videos, and Iskall knew British teens swore a lot.

But there was something deeply unsettling about hearing Mumbo say “boats and hoes”. As Iskall watched one old Mumbo video after the other, he learned that Mumbo was probably saying it as a joke. Iskall also knew saying “hoe” in Minecraft was perfectly fine, but it was still weird. Not mega weird, just mildly weird, like Scar saying “hello my mellow finers and crafters” instead of “hello my fellow miners and crafters”. 

Still, Iskall kept his “Mumbo swearing thoughts” to himself until Grian joined their world. Every hermit knew Mumbo and Grian were good friends (after all, Mumbo was the one who suggested him to their group), so Iskall wondered if Grian knew about Mumbo’s old videos. And his “boat and hoes” gimmick. And his oddly energetic way of swearing. And virtually every cringey thing teenage Mumbo had recorded and posted. 

And it turned out, Grian did.

One night, Iskall invited Grian over to his base. The duo pulled out screens, took out popcorn, and began to watch Mumbo’s old videos for fun.

“To be honest,” Grian began, “Before we actually knew each other, I didn’t watch a lot of Mumbo’s videos because I didn’t understand redstone- seriously, what the heck is a T-flop?”

Iskall chuckled and made himself comfortable on the sofa. “Well, you’re in for a treat- young Mumbo is hilarious.” He started to scroll through Mumbo’s videos, and tapped on one. “Let’s start with this one, shall we?”

Iskall and Grian were met with ugly, blocky graphics from the older editions of Minecraft. _“I don’t like speaking for prolonged lengths of time,”_ a young Mumbo explained as he leapt across funky-looking trees, _“cause my brain starts to, you know, lose sanity, it starts thinking, '_ ** _WHEN THE FUCK IS MY REST_** _’-”_

Iskall observed Grian’s face carefully, but Grian’s reaction wasn’t as dramatic as Iskall thought it would be. “I do like his voice change,” Grian commented idly. “Wish he did more of that now instead of repeating ‘I’m chuffed to bits’ a bazillion times.”

The following video featured Mumbo in a survival world. “ _We’ve got nothing to lose, but we have plenty to lose, and we could just lose,_ ” Mumbo rambled in his characteristic British accent. He then fell into a cave. " ** _Shit._** ”

The next video was a bit blurry, but Mumbo’s voice remained clear. _“Another five by five seamless piston door!_ ” Mumbo drawled in a dramatically deep, sports-commentor-esque voice, “ _And I’m gonna_ **_fuck_ ** _you up, yeah._ ”

At that, Grian burst into peals of giggles. “Why-why did that sound really wrong?” he managed to get out as he clutched his sides in laughter. “Why, Mumbo, _why_?”

“It gets worse,” was the only thing Iskall could say. 

More and more swears popped up, ranging from Mumbo saying “I’m not _that_ shit at building” to him loudly complaining about villager mechanics. But the most memorable one was of course the “boat and hoes” clip (or rather, one of the many clips).

 _“I almost forgot the most important part of the tutorial!_ ” Mumbo boomed into his mic. He then turned to press a button, immediately activating a piston door, resulting in deafening piston noises. _“Get this fucking door outta the way. We gotta put down our boats and hoes._ ” 

As he placed down a double chest, Mumbo continued with his rather, ahem, passionate narration. _“So you wanna put that chest down, and drag up that hoe_ (Iskall had tears in his eyes), _then drag up that boat, aaand then you’re done!_ ” Mumbo’s camera shook slightly as he exclaimed triumphantly, _"THAT’S how you make the boats and hoes! Get the FUCK out, you seamless piston door. Piece of shit._ ”

“Mumbo really does seem to like his hoes,” Grian remarked. It took both of them three seconds to realize what was wrong with that sentence. “Wait, Iskall, I-I-I didn’t mean it like that!”

It was too late. Iskall was laughing so much he was crying again. Soon, Grian also joined in with his high-pitched gremlin giggles. After they had both laughed so much that their stomachs hurt, Iskall choked out, “So Grian, you don’t think it’s weird that he used to swear?”

“Actually, not really. I mean, you swear too, right? You swore when we saw Doc bike down a cobblestone slope.”

Iskall couldn’t explain it. Maybe it had something to do with being older than Mumbo while Mumbo and Grian were about the same age. “It’s just… different,” he ended up saying. 

“Well, I’m sure a lot of us had that edgy immature phase when we liked to swear,” Grain said. “Obviously, we can’t do that now because of our target audience-”

A burning question popped into Iskall’s mind, one that was begging to be answered. “Wait, Grian, did you swear?”

A most peculiar and sheepish look came upon Grian’s face. " _Yeees_? I did? A-and I actually swore a lot too.”

Iskall could _not_ imagine it. Grian, with his cutesy child-like voice, was physically incapable of swearing. He could not. It was- it was as horrifying as diorite. It was a crime against humanity. But yet- he was curious.

“Prove it.”

“What, you want me to dig up my old vids?”

“No.” A pause. “Just say it.”

Another pause. “You sure? You look rather ill, Iskall.”

“No, I’m sure.”

Grian stared into Iskall’s eyes. Iskall mentally prepared himself. And then-

_**"Motherfucker."** _

Iskall yelped. He couldn’t help it. Grian’s soft, babyish voice combined with his accent combined with the stressed syllables- it was too much for Iskall. He had officially died and fallen into the Nether. The experience was surreal and almost nightmarish. A Grian that swore was from a parallel universe. That was the only explanation Iskall’s brain could come up with.

“That was super cursed. I-I regret asking this question.”

Grian snickered again. “Listen, I don’t swear a lot now, but I might return to swearing just to see your priceless expressions.”

Iskall panted and held out a hand as if to physically block Grian’s mouth. “Please _don’t._ That’s-that’s the most cursed thing in our world.”

“Even more cursed than Mumbo’s mustache-less face?”

“Even more cursed than Mumbo.” Iskall stood up and sighed, Mumbo’s old videos now forgotten. “I’m-I’m going to cleanse my ears. Goodbye, Grian, and no thanks for coming over.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is the most cursed thing I've ever written :-)
> 
> I found the Mumbo swearing clips [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJ-OwnkMZqg). Here's [Grian's](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUBe2CdlhJQ&t=77s) and believe me when I say it sounds SOOOOO WRONG. The Iskall swearing clip is from [one of Doc's vlogs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5pDJq8uDzA&t=223s), start watching at around 3:30.
> 
> Slightly NSFW hermits are so funny though. When Mumbo said people would tweet him aubergine (eggplant) emojis during stream, I damn well choked. 
> 
> If you read this fic, I am sorry. If you clicked on the links and watched the videos, I am even sorrier.
> 
> Edit 23/5/2020: Mumbo and Grian's videos were taken down but I found another Mumbo one. Still can't find one of Grian unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it.)


End file.
